Got high as hell on some lovely strain called Lava Cake, because it’s nearly seven pm and I’m a fucking adult. 😉 To be quite honest, there isn’t much else to do on a Friday night in the woods in 2020. Life is slow here, which is equally as much a blessing as a curse. My soul still stirs, my mind still travels…
Perhaps more adventuring awaits in 2021.
Meanwhile here in the land where time stands still, I’m enjoying fresh air and some decent air quality for the last couple of days. Life doesn’t change much day to day; it is neither bad or exciting. My problems are mostly small and personal or financial, I should be grateful for this. Trying to find the silver lining in these odd shaped clouds; perhaps need to today. Every day that ends, we had enough to survive comfortably. That is part of the goal, right?
Thinking about the places I want to see in the future. Been racking the mind for weeks asking simple and yet surprisingly difficult questions. One of those questions was what it was that I still craved in life. What I still dreamed about and desired. Because as important as it is to be reliable and responsible – things I practically kill myself trying to be at times – it is also important to remember to hang on to pieces of yourself so not to lose it along the way. There is a time for sacrifice, patience and hard work and also a time for a tiny bit of selfishness and recovery. Sometimes I forget about the recovery process and get caught up in focusing too hard on the problems that need solving. I wear myself down pushing against walls that are not ready to come down yet and sometimes forget to stop and smell the roses.
Not that there are many roses to smell these days. My basil, oregano, sage, cilantro and mint plants all have lovely scents though.
So what dreams do I still dream? For one, to see more of the world. I still want to travel and photograph it all as I have several times in the past. There are places and creatures I want to see for myself. Even as the places I’ve always wanted to visit burn in videos and news reports during recent years, the longing to go is still there.
What do we all want at the end of the day? Security? Love? Sex? A captive audience to tell our tales to? Recognition for achievements? A healthy and functional society? Fame? Money or the charm needed to live the life we always dreamed of? Or to simply be remembered when we are gone? Is there such a thing as an average dream when we all are so different from one another? I know I’ve had some strange longings and fantasies over the years that were held deep and quietly as I looked for others who might share them. Some of those hunts were unsuccessful and those searches partially abandoned as I realized it might be easier to figure out what I had in common with most others rather than seeking out rare unicorns in a sea of fake horns.
This life is hard enough, I should allow myself to smile more. The big bad bitch armor is probably not meant for regular use. The train will not jump the rails just because I dared to enjoy a moment. And if I must learn to enjoy some things on my own, that will have to be acceptable as well. If 2020 has taught me anything at all it is that we need to be good at comforting ourselves when needed. I certainly have had to thicken my skin and bend my expectations a bit this year while being reminded of that.
There are some goofy silver linings in life. I’m at my high school weight again which has not happened since, well, high school. Never felt so good in a little black dress, if only there were places to wear little black dresses in 2020. Once again, maybe next year. If I were a few years younger I’d maybe fill some time with modeling shots in creative little outfits and poses, like back in the day. I still snap a lazy mirror/phone pic from time to time. Remind myself that some battles have already been won, even if a few big wars feel never-ending. Funny, it’s been years since I dropped most of the weight and I still feel like a chubby girl in my head sometimes until I catch a glimpse in a mirror. 119 lbs with some muscle tone; a wet dream for the constant dieter who existed for years in the past.
The weight loss partly due to another battle won – five years being alcohol-free this month. I was always a fan of fun “sin” but never did like being a slave to a substance. There is enjoying your vices and then there is letting them ruin your life. I’d rather do the first when possible while avoiding the latter.
Modeling seems a bit silly and unnecessary at this age. It was a fun pastime when the internet was a slightly more fun place to hang out. I’ve even snapped an occasional nude this year for the fun of it and as motivation to stay in shape. I might still put together some sharable images in the future, but until then my bathroom is the only portrait backdrop I really had the patience to deal with. The lighting is better in there. 😛
Thinking of disappearing into a few books for a few weeks. Seems like as good of use of time as any. My kids are all doing well and so behaved that at times this parenting gig feels like it is on autopilot. I smiled and said out loud to myself the other day, “I did not receive a ton of blessings in life, but having really good kids was one of them.” I’m a proud and lucky mama all of the time, even when it the job occasionally gets a little tough.
Going to stop typing now. Maybe figure out which book I want to crack open first. Like the idea of looking smart while simultaneously escaping current reality ;-P
I wish you all whatever it is your heart most desires. Sweet & Wicked Dreams. 🖤🖤🖤